It seems every time I come here; I am sad.
I suppose that doesn't have to be a bad thing.
This Labyrinth connects me to something greater than myself.
Even though I can hear the engines of the cars passing by, there is peace here.
The sounds of the ground critters, the breeze, and the birds singing a crisp song of freedom.
I smell smoke burning from a nearby home's fireplace, the sun is out, and the air is warm.
The smell of smoke and ash soothes me and invites me to feel the warmth of the hearts that live there.
There is a bluebird that keeps crossing my path and I know that it is you.
You, Josiah, influencing this bird's energy with yours, communing with me.
The tears are rushing to my eyes, and I have no tissues with me so the leaves that have fallen next to me will have to do.
I want you back. I want you here, yet I cannot "want" any of this back to me.
My words are futile to this reality I am living with.
Grief: where some days, I, pretend everything is alright as my heart screams in silent pain.
No one sees, so I suspect no one knows.
In truth, I don't want them to.
We are all the walking wounded in some form or another.
Yet, we have come here, to Earth, to heal. To adjust, redefine and reinvent ourselves through this walk. Though the disastrous!!
I ponder often what Josiah would want me to do.
I am grateful, he made it easy for me, because he was so vocal with me about how he thought, I should live out my golden years.
More than anything he wanted me well, at peace and to find my personal freedom.
Like his mother, he was an advocate for health, yet as his health would waver, he was keenly aware, so would mine.
Taking care of me has to be at the forefront, and sitting here, Christmas morning, at this labyrinth, a bit weepy, is part of that.
Josiah was aware that I would decrease what I needed for the needs of my children- he could see how I struggled to increase back to me, now that they were all grown. He would question me about what I wanted and needed, and to be honest, it was a struggle to answer.
Needless to say, every time I would take steps towards myself- there was another trauma to sort through, dissect and move through (a roadblock)
It's been five years since the most traumatic "roadblock" of my entire life occurred.
Well, it was more like a thick gooey substance that covered the entire planet. Clawing my way through felt close to impossible. Pulling the goo one way for it to only reposition itself somewhere else and in slow motion.
Only I could see this consuming substance: Milady Grief.
Now at five years, she's a little more translucent and pliable- although the depth and thickness remain the same- I can now view her, cope with her and adjust her vibration according to mine.
Unless she takes me by surprise, well, then, it's a slow-moving day- like today.
Quite possibly I am finding myself and my own personal freedom-
Quite possibly this is what healing looks like-
I know we can feel we are betraying our grief if we heal, but we are not.
Here is what healing means: This definition spoke to me.
(Healing occurs through the integrating forces that restore, transform, sustain and nurture the whole person (Body, Mind, and Spirit) at each phase and in every dimension of life, and with the relationship of the person to the creation, to other people, and to Spirit.)
Now Raina's interpretation...
{{Healing occurs through integrating everything and every aspect that brings restoration and transformation that will sustain you and nurture you, all of you, mind, body spirit in every phase of life and in every dimension of this multidimensional life with relationship to yourself, others around you, who and when you let people in, or out and your child in Spirit.}}
I know that is deep.
We are in deep Sacred Mommaz,
And that is only one way to describe this.
The day is over now. I have spent much of this afternoon looking up healing.
I too will never betray my grief; she is a part of me.
The truth is healing isn't betraying anything.
It doesn't mean you are somehow "over it" because we all know, that is beyond impossible.
Grief isn't going anywhere.
Healing simply means you are learning, growing, and striving to get closer to that part of you that needs to be free.
Free to express your grief.
Free to find your way.
Free to explore the unknown and the dimensions of the Spirit, and
free to continue to love in a way that is the expression of who you are within where you are.
Healing is a process and a journey all unto itself, as grief is.
They are connected and woven together because of your child.
To be fair, they are woven together by all of our loved ones in Spirit.
They are woven together by Love...
I suppose this is what the labyrinth taught me today, Christmas 2022,
Grief and Healing are interchangeable because they coexist with each other, opponents for that same cause-- LOVE--
Beauty, Strength & Healing
Raina 🦋
