I dreamt I was at the YMCA Circus.
It was like I was helping Pete, the director, with the set, or arranging how the flow would go; not sure, just know I was involved in some way.
The stage was set with trampolines, and there was also a balcony that encircled the stage to watch the show.
The next thing I know the show was having it's final performance on the trampolines.
It was a spectacular performance and the crowd went wild, screaming at the top of their lungs.
I too, was screaming like a crazy woman with tears rolling down my face.
The cast had done a professional level performance and we were all loosing our minds over it.
I remember thinking, tomorrow night I am watching this from the balcony. In my dream I envisioned where I would sit and what time I would arrive to make sure I got those exact seats. Then the scene change and there was an after party, a gathering of the crew and performers.
I went to go find everyone and as I entered the room a very familiar face caught my attention.
I walked closer to this nine year old boy and his resemblance to Josiah took my breath away.
I must have had a conversation with his parents because the next thing I knew he and I are driving in my car.
Driving to his house and talking as if he and I had known each other his entire nine years on earth.
Then he convinces me to let him drive. I agree and I pull over on a side road and we switch places in the car.
He drives the car like he had always driven and I make mention of how well he is doing. I let him drive up the road for a few minutes, but my nerves take over and I have him pull into a drive way so we can switch back.
We sat in the drive way laughing and remarking on his driving until the owner of the house came out and questioned us why we are sitting in her driveway so long. We excuse our selves and I pull out of the driveway and he guides me to his home.
There his parents and two older brothers are waiting for us. So much goes on in that house from eating to this boy showing me his dads hidden candy drawer. As I am getting ready to say my good-byes, I tell them, "let me show you pictures of Josiah." How I had waited until the end of this time with them baffles me, even in my dream I was baffled, but I can't find my phone.
Valerie is here with me now and trying to keep me calm but her phone, my tablet and now my phone won't work to show them the pictures. Other guest had been there too and they have now left. The parents are cleaning the kitchen and I am in tears because I can't get to my gallery on my phone and to the folder labeled Josiah. The parents and gracious, but getting ready for bed.
The dad is in his boxers as he puts things away in the kitchen.
Valerie tells me "give your phone a minute" as she also tries to find pictures on her phone as well.
The parents come into the family room where all three boys are.
They tell me how they had thought all along that it was the middle child that was the most like Josiah.
He is blond and freckled with pale skin and smaller than the the youngest, who is a doppelganger for my son.
I am finally able to get to my folder on my phone and show them the pictures. They can see what I had been saying all along.
The next seen is just me, reflecting on the years with my own children at that age, nine, eleven and thirteen. How amazing those years were. The time when they are in such self discovery that each day brings knew awareness to not only who they are becoming, but you as well, as you ride the current of their personalities. How their independence from you is mixed with need their need for you.
I woke up in this array of energetic love.
Oh how I miss those times of mixed emotions and messy rooms. Of manifesting meals out of thin air and Friday night pizza and movie nights, when you actually had to go to the movie store to pick a movie. Two actually.
I miss taking Josiah to circus, Valerie to swim and rescuing Jeremy because he had ridden is bike way to far to make it back home.
Life is tricky, living is messy, love is painful, and all of it is worth the adventure.
My life isn't as busy as it was when the teenagers greeted me each day with so much that it is impossible to remember every memory they remind you of.
Grateful for the second go round with my grandkids, yet this time around is calmer.
I am more gracious.
Was that Josiah come to pay me a visit in my dream? Well of course.
That is exactly how I was when I watched him preform, doing his circus antics. I recognized him right away, and he I as we chatted as if we had always been together. He took the wheel of his life since he was young. I, his mother wanted to to take the wheel, but as you can tell from the dream, he was the one guiding me all along.
It is my middle child that is fair skinned and most like him, and those parents that were comfortable enough to allow us in their world? Those are our Spirit Guides.
Why was I fumbling to get my phone to work??? Because Josiah knew exactly who he was.
Even at nine.
And where does all this come from, not so much the dream but the capacity to write the meaning to you, well that for sure is all him.
So what's the message? To remember how connected we are, even with a distant thought that they were not yours, or that so much time has passed. They are most defiantly yours, and the are guiding you still.
My gaud I miss his physical presence. I miss his laugh and his enthusiasm for everything he learned and "needed" to teach me.
Then I pause and realize, he just taught me something new in that dream. And that is, that I am still very much open to his guidance as much as he is still guiding.
I just have to remember to let go of the wheel.
Raina**
12/30/2021
